


Middle Earth Texts

by hchollym



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Booty Calls, Drunk Texting, Humor, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2156799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Text messages/conversations from the guys of Middle Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Middle Earth Texts

**Author's Note:**

> I had so much fun writing this! I may even add more later :)
> 
> None of these were actually taken from the 'Texts From Last Night' website though; it's just stuff that I came up with on my own, so hopefully that's not too disappointing! 
> 
> Comments are always awesome! <3
> 
> ... 
> 
> Written for the kink meme prompt:
> 
> Texts from Last Night, Middle Earth style. Thorin's company, maybe a bit of the Fellowship?
> 
> +1000 - Legolas accidentally drunk texting Gloin instead of Gimli
> 
> Also, seriously, imagine what Nori gets up to when he's had a few. Someone's ending up in jail. And the amount of 'We didn't ... actually ... ohshit' going on between awkward couples.

Legolas: I’m horny. Send me a pic of dat ass ;)  
Gloin: That better not have been meant for my son, Legolas. Don’t forget that I own a shotgun.  
Gimli: Umm, Leggy, y does my dad wanna kno ur address?  
Legolas: DON’T TELL HIM ANYTHING!!!  
Gimli: …  
Gimli: I don’t even wanna kno

Xxx

Dis: Where are you boys?  
Kili: Atz a pargtyx  
Dis: How are you already drunk? It’s only 8.  
Kili: Im notsd drugnk  
Dis: Then I think we seriously need to consider getting you a tutor  
Fili: I’ll take care of him mom.  
Dis: Thank you, honey. Lol.  
Fili: Why lol?  
Dis: Lots of love.  
Fili: That’s not what lol means.  
Dis: What’s it mean then?  
Fili: Laugh out loud.  
Dis: That’s stupid. Lots of love makes more sense.  
Fili: Okay mom. Goodnight.  
Dis: Goodnight.

Xxx

Bofur: Hey Dori. Sorry to bother u, but Nori may or may not be in jail.  
Dori: What’d he do now?  
Bofur: There was an incident involving a stolen car and a goat…  
Dori: Well at least it’s better than last time.

Xxx

Aragorn: So… threesome tonight?  
Arwen: How many times have I told u, I’m not having a threesome!  
Aragorn: …. Maybe another night.

Xxx

Aragorn: Sorry man, not tonight.  
Frodo: Damn.

Xxx

Frerin: Hey bro, can I have sex with ur bf?  
Thorin: Hell no.  
Frerin: Please?  
Thorin: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY HOBBIT  
Frerin: Aww, but mom always told us to share  
Thorin: I am going to share my fist with ur face  
Frerin: Ouch, touchy. Ur no fun.  
Thorin: Fuck off.

Xxx

Boromir: Hey, wat’s up?  
Eomer: Nothin, bored. U?  
Boromir: Nothin. Come over.  
Eomer: Would u stop treating me like a booty call? U only ever text me when u want sex.  
Boromir: What? Who said anything about sex? We’ll just watch tv and hang out.  
Eomer: Really?  
Boromir: Of course, just some kissing n cuddling. Nothin more.  
Eomer: Alright, sounds good :)  
Boromir: And if u wanna have sex after that, then that’s cool too.  
Eomer: Ugh. Ur an asshole.  
Boromir: So r u still coming over or …?

Xxx

Ori: Dori just went to bail Nori outta jail.  
Dwalin: Again?  
Ori: Yep, come over b4 he gets back!  
Dwalin: Y don’t u come over here so we don’t have 2 sneak around?  
Ori: Bc I’ve always wanted 2 have sex on Dori’s bed.  
Dwalin: I’ll b there in 5 mins.

Xxx

Pippin: Let’s ride.  
Sam: Nah, I’m not up for it 2nite.  
Merry: U can be the DD.  
Pippin: I need a couple of DD’s ;)  
Merry: Haha.  
Sam: U r both disgusting.  
Pippin: Ur just mad that Rosie ran off with Eowyn.  
Sam: Shut it.  
Merry: Come on, Sammie. Let’s get drunk!  
Pippin: And then have meaningless sex with random strangers.  
Sam: Sounds classy.  
Merry: Exactly. I knew u’d cum around :)  
Pippin: Haha. Cum. Get it? ;)  
Sam: Y am I friends with u guys again? 

Xxx

Gandalf: Did u get the shrooms?  
Radagast: Yep. Bring weed and red bull.  
Gandalf: I’m on it. 

Xxx

Dwalin: BAM! I just had sex on Dori’s bed. Serves him right 4 bein such an ass about me dating Ori.  
Balin: You do know that Dori and I had sex there last night, right?  
Dwalin: …  
Dwalin: I’m gonna go burn my skin off with boiling water now.


End file.
